Word-Day 17, #Reverb13

(I know it’s technically the 18th…I’m cool with that…)

What word did you select to be your travelling companion in 2013? What gifts did this word bring?

Breathe.

That was my word for the year. It will likely be my word for next year.

I, like so many, forget to breathe. When I find my anxiety going through the roof, I would (and will) stop to count my breaths. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it’s just enough. Because these spirals of anxiety often happen as I’m trying to fall asleep, the counting gives me something else to focus on.

Those of us who fight with issues of anxiety and/or depression know that what is going on isn’t completely rational. Sometimes, though, the grip is so tight that there feels like there is no escape. Taking things back to something as basic as breathing, at least for me, can feel like hitting a reset button.

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It’s not a real tattoo…yet.

Boldly-Day 11, #Reverb13

What challenges lie ahead in 2014? How might you meet them boldly?

I read today’s prompt and laughed out loud. You know…that slightly maniacal laugh that comes from pure panic? Yeah, that kind of laugh.

I’m graduating with my undergraduate degree this spring.

Now, that’s a big enough thing at any time in life. I’m 35 and it’s been a process to get here, but here I am. I do have some advantages over a traditionally-aged college student, and I hope they will work to my advantage. But at the same time, I haven’t had a full-time job in almost 4 years, and I have moments where I am concerned. Then I panic.

My therapist talks to me (and I try to listen) about living life from a place of love rather than a place of fear. The fear part has kept me going for quite some times, and the fact that I have an extremely vivid imagination really feeds into it. It was a protective coping mechanism and it is something I really don’t need any more. So, with my graduation looming, and the fingers of panic trying to wiggle their way into my nerves, I’m taking action.

I’ll be:

applying to grad school (and all that entails-including taking the GRE, writing personal statements, etc)
applying for ALL the jobs
continuing to make it count

Here goes!

Self(ies)-Day 7, #Reverb13

Please post your favourite picture of yourself from 2013, self-portrait or otherwise!

When I was a kid I hated having my picture taken. My mother has oodles of pictures of me in the 3-5 year old stage, little arms crossed, head down, scowl on my face. I don’t know what it was back then, but it took me a long while (probably about 20 or so years?) until I stopped having a real issue. Granted, as I got older the crossed arms and furrowed brow went away, but I also had a tendency to hide my body behind people. I used being tall to my advantage, as I generally ended up behind everyone else. I’ve noticed over the years that I’ve even stopped doing that (unless it was a big group shot…then yeah, I’m going to be in the back or you won’t see anyone over my 6’1″ happy ass.) For whatever reason I’ve started putting myself in front of things…crowds, cameras, what have you. It’s been a good thing.

I believe I’m talking about penis models here.

I have also find that I like to be silly from time to time. This is also not something I would consider a norm for me.

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But my favorite ‘selfie’ isn’t even of my face. It’s a space of vulnerability and gratitude. In this particular picture, the post says

“Thought of the day…I was in the shower and decided I was going to wear a dress to school today. Not my typical longer dress, but a short one that would hit at or above my knee. This may not seem like a big deal, and it really isn’t, but it is a step for me in being appreciative of my body, whether or not I like how it looks. I have thick legs..it’s where I carry a good portion of my weight, and I liken them tree trunks sometimes. But…when I flex, there is a considerable amount of muscle there (thanks, #legday) These legs have carried me at my heaviest, my lowest, and everywhere in between. How can I not be #thankful for that gift? Yes, sometimes they hurt, and they aren’t the prettiest, but there’s been a lot of abuse on my part. Right now, I just need to say thanks and work to treat them better.”

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Grief & Hindsight-Day 4 #Reverb13

I’m starting this poem in the middle as the beginning is too raw.

…

Then came the appointments
and the ultrasound that wasn’t
quite right.
The quiet fury I felt
when the doctor’s staff
kept asking if
I’d started my period yet,
like they knew
some secret that
they refused to
let me in on.

We had named you…
kinda.
I wasn’t ‘allowed’
to call you
parasite,
though anyone
who’s been pregnant
knows it’s far from a
symbiotic relationship.

So you were
Pimento Loaf,
if only for a while.

I was afraid because
I didn’t love you
right away.
I was afraid
that was what
caused you to
go away,
even though
I know
it’s not true.

I’m sorry.
When you died
I think
a little part
of me died, too.

You would be
2 years old.
I think of you,
and love you
now.
I hope somehow
that is enough,
but there will
always be
a part of me
that thinks
it’s not.

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Listening & Brave-Day 3, #Reverb13

Today I lucked out a bit. The writing prompts for today work really well together. This makes me happy.

What does your heart have to tell you?

and

What was the bravest thing you did in 2013?

Bravery is often in the small things, the things we don’t look at under the harsh light of the day that is, right now, so very short. Part of it, possibly all of it, is listening to your heart ,or your gut, maybe, or some other metaphorically assigned body part that is in charge of making you make things happen.

The bravest thing I did this year? I decided to live. My heart told me to, even though it was sobbing from pain because everything surrounding that particular moment of life felt so desperately hard. I had the means and almost the motivation, but there was something quiet and small that said no.

So I listened.

Nourishment & Shining-Day 2, #Reverb13

What made your soul feel most nourished this year?

Years ago I remember stumbling across a video on YouTube. It was this man named Taylor Mali, and he was, among other things, a slam poet. The cadence of his words, the message he delivered, impacted me more than I ever imagined poetry could. While I would go through fits and starts, forgetting and then remembering that it existed, every once in awhile I would be reminded of this vehicle of words and meaning, drawing me into a bottomless pit of poem after poem.

Last spring, during National Poetry Month, I was introduced to the poetry of someone who I list as number 1 on my favorite poets list. Her words, and the words of others I fell into around the same time, helped me through a dark period, and gave me the courage to work through Difficult Things.

I have started writing my own poems. I do not perform, generally, not because I don’t want to, but because the vulnerability is just a bit too much at times. I have found that writing poetry provides an outlet to say what you can’t say otherwise. At the same time it just hurts.

Shine | What was the best moment of 2013?

I think the best moment of 2013 for me was when I decided that I had to make it count. Big decisions, changes in life course, and I realized that I was kind of floating by without intention, and I didn’t like it. Having purpose may seem like this trite thing, but at that point of my life, it was important. Since then, while I haven’t been 100 % successful, I have definitely attempted to take more opportunities as they have presented themselves. A big thing for me is reaching out to other people I admire or who have touched me in some way. It’s anxiety producing, but the more often I reach out, the easier I find it.

Starts & Feelings – Day 1, #Reverb13

How do you feel, on this first day, in your mind? In your body? In your heart? In your soul?

Mind, stressed
Body, heavy
Heart, light (relatively)
Soul, hopeful

———————————————————————————————————

At the start: Where did you start 2013?  Give us some background on this year.

The first half of 2013 was rough. School went well, but the wheels fell off a bit personally.

That’s a lie.

The wheels feel completely off and the undercarriage was scraped across the pavement, shooting sparks and threatening make the whole thing explode. It was not pretty.

The second half of the year has been remarkably better. It feels as though it will be ending on a high note, so here’s hoping. My goal is simple…to make it count.

I was introduced to #Reverb13 by someone who inspires me, and, being the overachieving joiner I am, I proceeded to join 2 (katmcnally.com and projectreverb.com).  I have never used writing prompts before, but I thought it might be a good exercise. I decided earlier this year that, due to decisions I had to make, from then on I was going to make what I did count. This is part of that work.