Grief & Hindsight-Day 4 #Reverb13

I’m starting this poem in the middle as the beginning is too raw.

Then came the appointments
and the ultrasound that wasn’t
quite right.
The quiet fury I felt
when the doctor’s staff
kept asking if
I’d started my period yet,
like they knew
some secret that
they refused to
let me in on.

We had named you…
kinda.
I wasn’t ‘allowed’
to call you
parasite,
though anyone
who’s been pregnant
knows it’s far from a
symbiotic relationship.

So you were
Pimento Loaf,
if only for a while.

I was afraid because
I didn’t love you
right away.
I was afraid
that was what
caused you to
go away,
even though
I know
it’s not true.

I’m sorry.
When you died
I think
a little part
of me died, too.

You would be
2 years old.
I think of you,
and love you
now.
I hope somehow
that is enough,
but there will
always be
a part of me
that thinks
it’s not.

They would be turning 1 around now…

A post shared by Maggyruth (@maggyruth) on

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About maggyruth

Mid-thirties, Mid-Atlantic transplant. Fiber-artist, hidden poet, health educator, student. Still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I swear sometimes. Especially when I'm mad. Deal with it. View all posts by maggyruth

3 responses to “Grief & Hindsight-Day 4 #Reverb13

  • Kat McNally

    Your love, splendidly and humanly imperfect, is always enough, Maggyruth. Thank you for sharing your exquisite grief. x

  • amy

    This is so beautiful. I, too, have experienced this loss. Before my miscarriage, I screamed out of frustration. A loud, tired, hormonal, guttural scream. A day later, I lost the baby. And I thought to myself, “I don’t blame you, baby. I would have left too.” Your love, like mine, like all of ours, was enough. Thank you for bravery and inspiring me to be more brave in my own writing.

  • littleyawps

    “I was afraid because I didn’t love you right away…” what a line…a universal maternal feeling, raw and true. Thank you for sharing that.

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