Grief & Hindsight-Day 4 #Reverb13

I’m starting this poem in the middle as the beginning is too raw.

Then came the appointments
and the ultrasound that wasn’t
quite right.
The quiet fury I felt
when the doctor’s staff
kept asking if
I’d started my period yet,
like they knew
some secret that
they refused to
let me in on.

We had named you…
I wasn’t ‘allowed’
to call you
though anyone
who’s been pregnant
knows it’s far from a
symbiotic relationship.

So you were
Pimento Loaf,
if only for a while.

I was afraid because
I didn’t love you
right away.
I was afraid
that was what
caused you to
go away,
even though
I know
it’s not true.

I’m sorry.
When you died
I think
a little part
of me died, too.

You would be
2 years old.
I think of you,
and love you
I hope somehow
that is enough,
but there will
always be
a part of me
that thinks
it’s not.

They would be turning 1 around now…

A post shared by Maggyruth (@maggyruth) on


About maggyruth

Mid-thirties, Mid-Atlantic transplant. Fiber-artist, hidden poet, health educator, student. Still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I swear sometimes. Especially when I'm mad. Deal with it. View all posts by maggyruth

3 responses to “Grief & Hindsight-Day 4 #Reverb13

  • Kat McNally

    Your love, splendidly and humanly imperfect, is always enough, Maggyruth. Thank you for sharing your exquisite grief. x

  • amy

    This is so beautiful. I, too, have experienced this loss. Before my miscarriage, I screamed out of frustration. A loud, tired, hormonal, guttural scream. A day later, I lost the baby. And I thought to myself, “I don’t blame you, baby. I would have left too.” Your love, like mine, like all of ours, was enough. Thank you for bravery and inspiring me to be more brave in my own writing.

  • littleyawps

    “I was afraid because I didn’t love you right away…” what a line…a universal maternal feeling, raw and true. Thank you for sharing that.

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