Time to regroup

School’s been in session for just over a month now.  And I’m seriously rethinking my path.

I failed my first Orgo exam.

There has been some serious wailing and gnashing of teeth on my part over my courses so far this semester.  I’m amazed that the Boy hasn’t sent me packing for the roller coaster I’ve been on. The question of “Can I really do this?” has been one that I’ve uttered more times than I have fingers, just in the past month. Calculus has made me cry just about every week, and Physics hasn’t been much better.  I actually thought I was going to do OK in Orgo…guess not.

After my epic failure, I went and talked to an advisor I trust, just to put a gauge on the issue and get some suggestions as to what might be my best course of action.  She knows my goal is to get into a Pharmacy program, and Orgo is a required prereq. Her suggestion: withdraw from the course and take it (Orgo I & II) over the summer at a community college.  Oh, and maybe re-evaluate my major.

Currently I’m declared as a Chemistry major. This involves a lot of math and science (obviously)…the math goes through Mulitvariable calculus and intro to linear algebra, and the science courses are pretty intense (along with Orgo I need Analytical chem and Physical chemistry.)

I want so hard to believe that I’m smart enough to do all that, but I may need just to realize that my brain is not the best for that.  I’ve always wanted to have a math/science brain, and I believe in part that I do.  I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others, but I do, all the time.  I have friends who are PhD students in Math, engineers, statisticians, hell, I’m married to a genius.  I want to believe that I have the ability to be that smart in that way.  Maybe I just don’t.

I’m fighting really hard trying not to believe that I’m a failure because this is so difficult for me.  I’m looking at my options as far as a change in major, one that will allow me to still obtain the pre-reqs I need for Pharm school, but still keep my sanity and perhaps preserve a decent GPA. Right now, though, it just feels like I’m an idiot.

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About maggyruth

Mid-thirties, Mid-Atlantic transplant. Fiber-artist, hidden poet, health educator, student. Still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I swear sometimes. Especially when I'm mad. Deal with it. View all posts by maggyruth

6 responses to “Time to regroup

  • karenish

    Just because you’re having trouble in you classes doesn’t mean you don’t have a math/science brain. It might just mean you need a different approach to learning, possibly under different circumstances.

    Remember, be kind to yourself. You’re still recovering from your physical/emotional trauma, and that can take much longer than you expect.

  • had to say it

    I’m going to say something that is probably going to sound harsh but I know you and I know you need to hear it.

    It’s time for you to get your degree and get on with your life. You are hiding from a “grown-up” life by taking these classes and pursuing a degree that is clearly above and beyond your capabilities. And you’ve changed degree paths how many times? Enough. Get your degree and move on. It’s time to get a job. It’s time to get out of this mode that you’re 20 and have the rest of your life to be an adult. You ARE an adult. Enough with this “being kind to yourself”. Put your big girl pants on and just do it. You are amazingly kind and giving. You should be in a career where you can showcase that. So stop pursuing what you think makes you look smart and start pursuing what you actually love.

    But most importantly – get your degree and be done with it already!

    • maggyruth

      I’m going to go ahead an post this, if only because it provides me with the opportunity to respond.
      Despite your claims of knowing me, obviously you don’t. You would know that I worked in a career for 12 years and have only recently decided that it wasn’t for me, after attempting to pursue a bachelors in my chosen career at the time (which, by the way, I’m good at, but I don’t enjoy). You would know that I completely understand the time constraints that I have, and think about it often and what the best course of action is. You would know that these decisions where not made solely by me, but in conjunction with the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with, who would not just be impacted by the money I make (or don’t make) but also by my level of happiness (as I am by his).

      It’s not about “looking smart.” It’s about realizing that I’m not and wishing I was. It is also about trying to figure out what I love, so please don’t try and tell me that I don’t have the opportunity to do that. If you are tired of reading about my schooling, then please, by all means, stop reading my blog. Evidently it’s a point of contention for you.

      Thank you so much for your anonymous comment. If your goal was to make me cry, congratulations, you succeeded. If you really knew me, you wouldn’t hide behind an anonymous post.

      • Lisa

        Hmm, are you sure you don’t want to consider the lucrative and rewarding field of leaving obnoxious anonymous comments? It must pay extremely well, because I’m can’t imagine why anyone would be so mean otherwise.

        I don’t know why anyone would think that deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life should be limited to 20 year olds. There are plenty of things I enjoyed and wanted to do at 20 that I’m no longer interested in today. There’s no reason to stagnate in the name of maturity.

        It’s also okay to enjoy something that’s a challenge, just like it’s okay to decide at some point that the challenge isn’t enjoyable anymore. I’m wondering if part of the reason your advisor suggested taking the class at a community college is because community colleges tend to have instructors whose passion is teaching, as opposed to universities whose instructors are sometimes teaching because that’s the cost of getting to do research. Maybe a different teacher (with possibly different priorities) would suit you better. Or maybe you’d be better off taking it with fewer other courses. Or, or, or…there are lots of possibilities.

        You’ll notice that not one of those possibilities is “You’re an idiot” or “You’re a failure.” You’re someone who’s trying to figure out life. It’s not always easy. (However, if you’d like easy, you could always roam the internet and give advice to strangers. That’s *cake*.)

  • Traci

    A lot of people change careers many times in their lifetime and many people find their life’s passion in the midst of the growing pains of change.

    I think settling for a career that you are eh about (which you didn’t) is the worst thing someone can do. Yet, that’s just my experienced opinion. I had a career making double the money I make now and I was good at it as well, but the thought of going back and doing it gives me a stomach ache because it’s not my life’s passion. So I know where you’re coming from.

    Follow your heart and don’t let anyone tell you different just because they get anxiety from uncertainty. Life is full of uncertainty but the payout once you are living out your passion is going to be amazing. Hang in there.

  • Mandi

    My $0.02… take it or leave it.

    I’m in my 2nd career and I’m going to night school to prepare for my 3rd. I don’t think I’m bad at what I do, but I think that this life is too short to limit myself to only one career adventure.
    I love going to college at night. I love learning new things. I know that I am exceptionally lucky that I have an amazing, supportive husband who gives me the opportunity to do this.
    I hope I never have to stop going to school. I’m not trying to act like I’m 20. I’m dedicated to being a life-long learner. College, seminars, workshops… I like the process. And I think that people who stop learning get stagnant.

    So… it’s not like someone pulls a meter and your life starts when you get out of school. Making learning a part of your life is a good thing.

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